My thoughts

This post has been very hard for me to write. I have had to admit to myself, and now posting this, to everyone else that I am having trouble with Ella. Having a Master's degree and being a teacher and day care provider I thought that I would be able to handle raising a child of my own, but taking care of others children and dealing with your own are two different things and that takes a lot to admit. This post is not meant as a pity party. I just needed a venue to put some things out there before I move on with the next step.

For a few months now Ella has been bucking all and any authority from me. So much so that it has gotten to the point that she is hitting, spiting and just beating the crap out of me often. I have not found much that works for her and I am at the end of my rope with dealing with it. I know that she is only three, but it is still hard to hear on a daily basis almost, that I do not love her, do not care about her, and then to be beat up along with it.

I have tried many different approaches with her and none of them seem to work. It is very hard as a parent to pull back and look at your child as I would in a school setting. I am just too close to the situation to do that. So I have hired a friend of my who has a lot of background in behavior therapy and modification. She is coming today. I felt that part of the problem is for me to admit that I need help and writing this post is helping me to do that.

What I hope to gain out of doing this is having Ella and I be able to go throughout our day with out major blow outs. I know that all kids have them, but I feel her frequency is much more than other children's. At this point I wake up every morning with deep love for my daughter, but do not look forward to spending time with her because I know that anything I say to her will be met with opposition and usually the blowouts. I hate to feel this way, and some may judge me for it, but they are my feelings and I can not change them. I hope with this help that they will change. I have gone so far as to question continuing with trying for a second child. Maybe this (parenting) is not for me.

The thoughts and comments I have written are just how I am feeling at this time.