Hard Mommy Day

Ella has been having a difficult time as of late. I do believe that some of it has to do with the baby coming, some with the hours that Luke works nothing he can do about that, and the fact that I have a lot on my plate here at the house. I am the primary disciplinarian in the house. Just due to the fact that I am with her more, occupational hazard of working from home. Getting Ella to go to the store for shopping is like worse than pulling teeth. She fights and makes the whole time miserable. However she will willing go with Luke and has a great time, and usually is well behaved. The weekends are when Luke has more time to be with her. During the week he gets home in time to put her to bed and in the morning he has very little time with her either. So the weekends I try to leave to them, however there is only so much of the household duties that I can do.

This weekend he had to work on Saturday morning. Then there was nap and they had the afternoon to play while I got groceries. I bought everything we needed to have a winter camp out in the living room. We had a picnic dinner on the rug, got a movie and Luke and Ella had the whole night together camping out on the living room floor. Then the next day he took her sledding. That afternoon for nap Luke was tired. Have you ever slept with a four year old on an air mattress. Not much sleeping going on, so he took a nap with her. When she got up I was still getting house work done. I did however stop and have her help me pick up all of the toys around the house and then played dollhouse with her. That just did not seem good enough for her. When I took a minute to switch over the laundry she got mad and told me I was mean and wanted to go get Daddy. I took away a marble for the hour and then she really hated me and wanted Daddy, because of course he does not have any work to do and only plays with her which is fun and hardly results in her misbehaving.

Then this morning after having a weekend just for her. I ask her sit down and eat her breakfast and not fight with the other daycare kids, which is not one sided. She sits down and loudly announces that "My Mommy is a big B***h. Oh by the way one of the other Moms was at the door talking with me. Well I lost it. Thank god Luke was still here. I sent her upstairs to talk to him, because I could have killed her. She did come down and apologize and turned her self around, but for the love of good Pete. What would make her say something like that. I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect, actually far from it. I talk like a trucker. I try to watch my mouth in front of her, but no one is perfect I slip up.

Things at school have not been very good either. She has a very hard time listening and doing what is expected. The worst time of the day is gym and swim. Ella is not fond of them. She will walk away from the teachers, and not listen to them, or flat out refuse to do what is being asked of her. In the classroom it is a little better. However the other day she told her teacher that she did not like her and did not like to learn and was never coming back to school. Luke and I both talk to her about it. I have talked with Ella about it with the teachers. She loses marbles over it. I am beginning to worry about next year. I am so scared. In fact just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

Deep down she is such a thoughtful, nice little girl. She worries about everyone, and just loves to try to take care of them. I just worry that others do not get the chance to see that part of her. I want this baby more than anything, but I wonder if Ella will be able to handle it. As I sit here writing this with tears in my eyes, I am confused about how to make sure that I take care of the two most important people in my life, Ella and the baby. I want so much for both of them, and I am afraid that I may be hurting Ella. I just do not want her to resent me, because in her eyes I am the one bringing this baby into our family. It is in my body. She tells us all the time that she is worried about the baby, and loves the baby, but then she tells us that we will not love her anymore and that we will want to be with the baby all of the time and not with her. We have spent a lot of time reassuring her that she will have time with us alone and with the baby as a family. However that concept is just so abstract for her that she can not believe it. All we can do is just make sure that we show her when the time comes I guess.

About Luke I do not want anyone to feel as though I am bashing him. He works very hard for this family. I could not do what I do without him. Everyone is being pulled in a hundred directions. He is needed at work, by Ella, by me, and needs alone time. I am needed by the day care, Wegmans, baby, Ella, and would love some alone time; maybe that is selfish of me but I do need it. So much to juggle right now and not enough time.

Well that is enough whining, complaining, sorting out what ever you want to call it. Sorry it was so long. Just need an avenue to get some of this stuff down.